Monday, January 11, 2010

McGwire's Apology Strikes Out Swinging

According to a report by the Associated Press, "Mark McGwire finally came clean, admitting he used steroids when he broke baseball's home run record in 1998. McGwire said in a statement sent to The Associated Press on Monday that he used steroids on and off for nearly a decade."
The report went on to quote McGwire as saying "I wish I had never played in the steroid era."

Sounds to me like a half-assed apology. If he was truly sincere, he wouldn't have used this convenient endnote to his statement. This statement implies that it was not McGwire's decision to take illegal steroids, but rather the era in which he played that was responsible for his actions. PALEEEEZ! I agree that in that era there were most likely a lot more players taking similar performance enhancing drugs than not, but it is an insult to those few players who decided their integrity was worth more than a home run title to claim that McGwire had no choice based on the state of the player psyche in the mid to late 90's.

McGwire's supposed "apology" comes very conveniently after the St. Louis Cardinals announced they would be inviting McGwire to join the teams staff as a hitting coach for the 2010 season. It should be obvious to everyone that this admission is a strategic move to hopefully lessen the media blitz that is sure to come up when MLB welcomes back one of its most notoriously controversial characters. By admitting he took steroids, McGwire has basically killed the story. Afterall, you won't see any ESPN reporters hounding McGwire in the dugout this season asking him about the allegations against him. The questions been answered. And it is a loud and clear YES! I DID IT! A local radio show host brought up a good point today. McGwire says he regrets all of these decisions and would have done it clean if he had the chance to do it all over again. The insincerity of this statement should be obvious. Afterall, how many people would regret doing something that no doubt helped them earn millions of dollars in endorsements and player contracts for the supposed ten year period of use? McGwire may regret it but his bank account doesn't.

C'mon all you nay sayers out there, Steroids might cause the breakdown of connective tissues and muscles and shrink your Hardy Boys, but who cares about all that when you have a huge house, a smoking hot wife, and a brand new Maybach sitting in the driveway?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Gilbert Arenas and Charlton Heston BFFL Buddies

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past week you no doubt have heard about good 'ol Gilbert Arenas's antics involving the alleged incident at the Washington Wizards home, the Verizon Center. Arenas supposedly brought as many as three handguns to the arena and displayed them in front of a teammate's locker before a game. Apparently Gilbert didn't get the memo about D.C. being one of the strictest cities in the nation when it comes to gun crimes. NBA commish David Stern has reacted by suspending Arenas indefinitely. However, according to Stern, he did not suspend Arenas based on the incident but rather by his reaction in the days following reports. Arenas was repeatedly seen laughing and giggling during postgame interviews when asked about the incident. How dumb do you have to be? Honestly? Let me pose a hypothetical scenario to help illustrate just how absurd this moron's actions were.

I come into work Monday morning, stop at the break room, grab a cup of coffee. As I am walking to my cubicle I stop at my friend Jack's cube and give him a hard time about beating me in that card game we played last night. Unfortunately, I bet more cash than I had on me, so I had to come up with some collateral. Instead of going to an ATM that morning to pay my dues, I decide to bring my Glock 9mil in to work to settle my debt with Jack. I pull the piece out and slam it down on Jacks workstation. We spend the next ten minutes joking around holding the gun and pointing it at people. "Here ya go Jackie, its all yours, are we even now?"

The tragedy about this story is that these idiots don't realize that their ( I say their because there have been many more before Gilbert) actions are wrong. I mean how much more obvious can it be. You live in a city that not too long ago had the honor of having the highest murder rate in the U.S. Couple that with a strict stance on gun crimes rivaled only by NYC and you have to wonder who is guiding people like Gilbert. Honestly, I think a sixth grader with Downs Syndrome could've told him this was a bad idea. My solution: All NBA/NFL players must take D.A.R.E. classes in their rookie season and be banned from playing Grand Theft Auto until their retirement.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Lincecum goes for NL High-Young Award

Tim Lincecum was stopped for speeding in his Mercedes and police allegedy discovered a marijuana pipe and 3.3 grams of pot recently. He filed a plea of not guilty and apparently today agreed to a deal that drops the drug possesion charges that were filed against him and instead forces him to pay a $250 fine. Lincecum isn't the first young MLB player to come out of the hot-boxed closet lately. Cubs catcher, and 2008 Rookie of the Year, Geovanny Soto was surrounded earlier this season by rumors he had failed to get into shape before reporting to training camp this spring due to a sticky green habit and a serious case of the muchies. I can just see Geo talking to his buddies after smokin a fat blunt....

"Get some...sour cream and onion chips...with some dip man..some beef jerkey, some peanut butter, get some haagen dasz icecream bars whole lotta..make sure chocolate..gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn... red popcorn.....Graham crackers, graham crackers with the marshmallows and the little marshmallows and the little chocolate bars and we'll make some smores man! Also celery, grape jelly, captain crunch with the little crunhberries. Pizzas we need two big pizzas man, with water...a whole lotta water....and.................Funyons........yeah!"

It seems like more and more pro athletes are turning to that sweet sweet cheeba in the offseason to relax and wind down. I say let em have their fun. Afterall, these guys work their asses off during the season, so whats wrong with smokin a little herb. It's practically legal in the states now anyway, with entire municipal economies being based on pot in California. There is a line that must be drawn here though, when your star player shows up to training camp with a bat bag in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other, and you can see smoke billowing out of his Lambo in the parking lot...ya gotta crack the whip, but if these guys wanna catch up on the all the fun they're friends had in high school and college while they were workin on their curveball or running laps, i say go ahead. Afterall, everybody knows bong hits and xbox are only fun for like......
.......hold on its my hit and will someone please hit pause on Madden!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Chicago Bulls Players= Intuition of a Sack of Rocks

 This clip is from Sportsnite, A local Chicago sports show on Comcast Sportsnet. Here's the setup, they are interviewing players Luol Deng, Derrick Rose, and Joakim Noah about their upcoming meeting with Lebron James, Shaq, and the Cavs. Listen to how stupid these supposedly college educated people sound. For those of you who find it difficult to understand, I've written a transcript below.

Deng: "You gotta focus on him, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta try to make the other guys beat you. Like I said you gotta make it tough, ah, you gotta make it tough for him, In terms of ya know...scoring. And ya know the more he shoots really, ya know, the better for the team...if he's not makin 'em."

Now lets see what the star #1 overall pick for the Bulls has to say...

Rose: Random incoherent blabbering...You gotta play...They got good players...We got good players, ya know..We just gotta go out there and compete against them.


I would put something here about Noah's response, but to be honest I think you all can hear him clearly since he is the most articulate when it comes to pronouncing words in the english language. But that still doesn't hide the fact that these guys have no idea how to express themselves with words. Just a bunch of robots who's DIRECTIVE 1=(robot voice) deliver item of interest (basketball) to target (basket).

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I recently discovered that there is a page on the Craigslist site called The Best of Craigslist. It is a place where Craigslist users and visitors can submit posts that are idoitic, sexually explicit, and down right funny.
I will quote a few of them here, and you will find the link to the main "best of page" at the end of this post. SO without further ado...The Best of Craigslist...The Worst of Humanity:

-I'm offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won't come because they think i'm joking. I'm definitely NOT... I have water but have not eaten in two days.

-Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I'm going to find you and do terrible thing to you.

-I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

I have a hornet's nest free for the taking! Hornets included. You must remove. Will need a ladder, it's under a 2nd floor eave. I just noticed it today. It's almost the size of a volleyball.


This was a project my grandfather worked on when I was a kid, and it used to terrify me, as I have an inexplicable fear of these evil creatures. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the month, as I owe child support and don't have the cash to cover it at the moment. This was built off of the frame of an otherwise perfect 1986 Yugo Cabrio. The vehicle itself has 38,000 miles on it, but it was badly damaged in a hailstorm and the bodywork was completely demolished. My grandfather got the idea of turning it into a WhaleMobile off of some cartoon, and he took his crazy idea and ran with it.

You: Gorgeous Viking looking dude that works at Small Bar and Map Room. Big , tall with an awesome beard.

Me: Curly hair, black, with cleavage and shy.
At some point you may have told me your name but I was drunk at the time. Last night I kept peeking up from my intense text conversation to gaze upon your huge hands.
Here's a thought- Please pillage and plunder my vagina

Because of this terrible economy, I'm having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.

Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)
Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

-There's plenty more where these came from, some of them are really stupid, so you gotta fish for the good ones but when you find one its like Christmas. Heres the link.

Monday, November 2, 2009

How Creepy Are These Owls? You Be The Judge

  I know this is a random post, but I want to share this with people to show that there are sick people out there who enjoy the company of some weird things. I just stumbled upon this video on YouTube. Don't ask me how or why, but I think I might have nightmares, these little devil-birds are so f-ing creepy! Why would this sick bastard want to keep these things as pets? Sorry to creep you people out. Don't forget to vote on how creepy these owls are at right--->

Cheese Heads Find Creative Ways to Welcome Back Favre

Brett Favre of the Vikings made his triumphant return to Lambeau Field in Greenbay Sunday afternoon. As he took the field for warmups he was showered with a deafening barrage of boos. But opening up their cheese stuffed faces to boo wasn't the only method Packer fans used to display their disdain for the dejected prince of green and gold. According the the AP, fan shirts and signs were seen comparing Favre to Judas. One Packer fan was quoted as saying... “It’s like going into church on Sunday and the priest says, `Everybody go home, Jesus has now sided with the devil,”’ [Packers fan Mark Fields, who was wearing a Favre jersey with "JUDAS" written on the back] said.
This kind of biblical comparison might be a little over the top. But the great Nostradamus warned us that the end of days would begin with the coming of the anti-christ. Packer fans are convinced Favre's move to the dark purple side is confirmation of this prophecy.

By far the best and most creative display at Lambeau Sunday was thie picture at left of a fan who super-imposed Favres face onto a picture of Fredo, the treasonous brother from the classic The Godfather. Other fans went so far as to pay for a plane to fly over the stadium pulling a banner reading "Retire 4 Good!"

My two cents: First of all, I am a Bears fan so that should put some of what I'm about to say into perspective. Listen, in my opinion, Packer fans have every right to feel like someone stuffed a sharp cheddar up their butts. Favre enjoyed a successful career in Green Bay with an organization that looked at Favre like petofiles looked at Miley Cyrus early in their respective caareers. But after a while people get older and they lose their appeal and all of a sudden you have an eighteen year old gir...I mean a forty year old man running your offense. He says he loves you and thanks you for everything you've done for him, especially those free nacho cheese HJs at the local Green Bay massage parlor, and agrees to end his career with the team that gave him everything so that the next young gir...I mean stud quarterback can have a chance in the spotlight. But this wasn't good enough for the attention whore. He made a whole nation feel sorry for him with his fake tears and then turned around and claimed he was forced out of Green Bay. Come ON! You are old even if you can still zing that ball all over the field (and he can), the risks of putting him back on the field with that shotty O-line were too much. I mean just imagine if it was Favre under center in Green Bay getting pummeled into the ground week after week.

So after a mediocre season in NY, he announces his retirement, for real this time. OK Brett, so you came back and you didn't have all the success you dreamed you would have but its time to hang up the jersey you old-balled bastard. Nope, he decides to deliver a big F-U to the organization that shunned him. But what Brett didn't realize is that by doing so he was also delivering a big F-U to all those loyal Packer fans who cheered him on for so many years and treated him like a god. By becoming a Viking, Brett was essentially sticking toothpicks under Packer fans toenails and making them kick a wall (sorry for the visual). NOw I dont know about you, but if that person ever came back to my house I would try my best to deliver a nice big creative F-U right back in his face. So go ahead Packer fans, hate this selfish bastard as much as you want. He deserves it. I have been talking to a lot of other Bears fans lately and we have all come to a similar conclusion. Vikings fans are officially the most obnoxious fans in football. Congratulations Packer fans, you're only second most obnoxious now.