Lincecum goes for NL High-Young Award

Tim Lincecum was stopped for speeding in his Mercedes and police allegedy discovered a marijuana pipe and 3.3 grams of pot recently. He filed a plea of not guilty and apparently today agreed to a deal that drops the drug possesion charges that were filed against him and instead forces him to pay a $250 fine. Lincecum isn't the first young MLB player to come out of the hot-boxed closet lately. Cubs catcher, and 2008 Rookie of the Year, Geovanny Soto was surrounded earlier this season by rumors he had failed to get into shape before reporting to training camp this spring due to a sticky green habit and a serious case of the muchies. I can just see Geo talking to his buddies after smokin a fat blunt....

"Get some...sour cream and onion chips...with some dip man..some beef jerkey, some peanut butter, get some haagen dasz icecream bars whole lotta..make sure chocolate..gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn... red popcorn.....Graham crackers, graham crackers with the marshmallows and the little marshmallows and the little chocolate bars and we'll make some smores man! Also celery, grape jelly, captain crunch with the little crunhberries. Pizzas we need two big pizzas man, with water...a whole lotta water....and.................Funyons........yeah!"

It seems like more and more pro athletes are turning to that sweet sweet cheeba in the offseason to relax and wind down. I say let em have their fun. Afterall, these guys work their asses off during the season, so whats wrong with smokin a little herb. It's practically legal in the states now anyway, with entire municipal economies being based on pot in California. There is a line that must be drawn here though, when your star player shows up to training camp with a bat bag in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other, and you can see smoke billowing out of his Lambo in the parking lot...ya gotta crack the whip, but if these guys wanna catch up on the all the fun they're friends had in high school and college while they were workin on their curveball or running laps, i say go ahead. Afterall, everybody knows bong hits and xbox are only fun for like......
.......hold on its my hit and will someone please hit pause on Madden!

Chicago Bulls Players= Intuition of a Sack of Rocks

 This clip is from Sportsnite, A local Chicago sports show on Comcast Sportsnet. Here's the setup, they are interviewing players Luol Deng, Derrick Rose, and Joakim Noah about their upcoming meeting with Lebron James, Shaq, and the Cavs. Listen to how stupid these supposedly college educated people sound. For those of you who find it difficult to understand, I've written a transcript below.

Deng: "You gotta focus on him, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta try to make the other guys beat you. Like I said you gotta make it tough, ah, you gotta make it tough for him, In terms of ya know...scoring. And ya know the more he shoots really, ya know, the better for the team...if he's not makin 'em."

NO SHIT LUOL!
Now lets see what the star #1 overall pick for the Bulls has to say...

Rose: Random incoherent blabbering...You gotta play...They got good players...We got good players, ya know..We just gotta go out there and compete against them.

THANKS FOR DESCRIBING THE PURPOSE OF THE GAME OF BASKETBALL!

I would put something here about Noah's response, but to be honest I think you all can hear him clearly since he is the most articulate when it comes to pronouncing words in the english language. But that still doesn't hide the fact that these guys have no idea how to express themselves with words. Just a bunch of robots who's DIRECTIVE 1=(robot voice) deliver item of interest (basketball) to target (basket).

THE BEST OF CRAIGSLIST: THE WORST OF HUMANITY

I recently discovered that there is a page on the Craigslist site called The Best of Craigslist. It is a place where Craigslist users and visitors can submit posts that are idoitic, sexually explicit, and down right funny.
I will quote a few of them here, and you will find the link to the main "best of page" at the end of this post. SO without further ado...The Best of Craigslist...The Worst of Humanity:

IN A WELL, NEED LADDER:
-I'm offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won't come because they think i'm joking. I'm definitely NOT... I have water but have not eaten in two days.

-Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I'm going to find you and do terrible thing to you.

PORN LAPTOP
-I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

FREE HORNETS NEST
I have a hornet's nest free for the taking! Hornets included. You must remove. Will need a ladder, it's under a 2nd floor eave. I just noticed it today. It's almost the size of a volleyball.


WHALEMOBILE FOR SALE

This was a project my grandfather worked on when I was a kid, and it used to terrify me, as I have an inexplicable fear of these evil creatures. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the month, as I owe child support and don't have the cash to cover it at the moment. This was built off of the frame of an otherwise perfect 1986 Yugo Cabrio. The vehicle itself has 38,000 miles on it, but it was badly damaged in a hailstorm and the bodywork was completely demolished. My grandfather got the idea of turning it into a WhaleMobile off of some cartoon, and he took his crazy idea and ran with it.

GORGEOUS VIKING LOOKING DUDE THAT WORKS AT SMALL BAR
You: Gorgeous Viking looking dude that works at Small Bar and Map Room. Big , tall with an awesome beard.

Me: Curly hair, black, with cleavage and shy.
At some point you may have told me your name but I was drunk at the time. Last night I kept peeking up from my intense text conversation to gaze upon your huge hands.
Here's a thought- Please pillage and plunder my vagina

1,325 POPE HATS
Because of this terrible economy, I'm having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.




SATANIC SEXUAL RITUAL
Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)
Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.


-There's plenty more where these came from, some of them are really stupid, so you gotta fish for the good ones but when you find one its like Christmas. Heres the link.
THE BEST OF CRAIGSLIST

How Creepy Are These Owls? You Be The Judge

  I know this is a random post, but I want to share this with people to show that there are sick people out there who enjoy the company of some weird things. I just stumbled upon this video on YouTube. Don't ask me how or why, but I think I might have nightmares, these little devil-birds are so f-ing creepy! Why would this sick bastard want to keep these things as pets? Sorry to creep you people out. Don't forget to vote on how creepy these owls are at right--->

Cheese Heads Find Creative Ways to Welcome Back Favre

Brett Favre of the Vikings made his triumphant return to Lambeau Field in Greenbay Sunday afternoon. As he took the field for warmups he was showered with a deafening barrage of boos. But opening up their cheese stuffed faces to boo wasn't the only method Packer fans used to display their disdain for the dejected prince of green and gold. According the the AP, fan shirts and signs were seen comparing Favre to Judas. One Packer fan was quoted as saying... “It’s like going into church on Sunday and the priest says, `Everybody go home, Jesus has now sided with the devil,”’ [Packers fan Mark Fields, who was wearing a Favre jersey with "JUDAS" written on the back] said.

This kind of biblical comparison might be a little over the top. But the great Nostradamus warned us that the end of days would begin with the coming of the anti-christ. Packer fans are convinced Favre's move to the dark purple side is confirmation of this prophecy.

By far the best and most creative display at Lambeau Sunday was thie picture at left of a fan who super-imposed Favres face onto a picture of Fredo, the treasonous brother from the classic The Godfather. Other fans went so far as to pay for a plane to fly over the stadium pulling a banner reading "Retire 4 Good!"

My two cents: First of all, I am a Bears fan so that should put some of what I'm about to say into perspective. Listen, in my opinion, Packer fans have every right to feel like someone stuffed a sharp cheddar up their butts. Favre enjoyed a successful career in Green Bay with an organization that looked at Favre like petofiles looked at Miley Cyrus early in their respective caareers. But after a while people get older and they lose their appeal and all of a sudden you have an eighteen year old gir...I mean a forty year old man running your offense. He says he loves you and thanks you for everything you've done for him, especially those free nacho cheese HJs at the local Green Bay massage parlor, and agrees to end his career with the team that gave him everything so that the next young gir...I mean stud quarterback can have a chance in the spotlight. But this wasn't good enough for the attention whore. He made a whole nation feel sorry for him with his fake tears and then turned around and claimed he was forced out of Green Bay. Come ON! You are old even if you can still zing that ball all over the field (and he can), the risks of putting him back on the field with that shotty O-line were too much. I mean just imagine if it was Favre under center in Green Bay getting pummeled into the ground week after week.

So after a mediocre season in NY, he announces his retirement, for real this time. OK Brett, so you came back and you didn't have all the success you dreamed you would have but its time to hang up the jersey you old-balled bastard. Nope, he decides to deliver a big F-U to the organization that shunned him. But what Brett didn't realize is that by doing so he was also delivering a big F-U to all those loyal Packer fans who cheered him on for so many years and treated him like a god. By becoming a Viking, Brett was essentially sticking toothpicks under Packer fans toenails and making them kick a wall (sorry for the visual). NOw I dont know about you, but if that person ever came back to my house I would try my best to deliver a nice big creative F-U right back in his face. So go ahead Packer fans, hate this selfish bastard as much as you want. He deserves it. I have been talking to a lot of other Bears fans lately and we have all come to a similar conclusion. Vikings fans are officially the most obnoxious fans in football. Congratulations Packer fans, you're only second most obnoxious now.

Reasons to Love Halloween!

We've all seen loose women dress like these two flesh flowers below. Some of those chicks were probably your girlfriends. But girls have plenty of opportunities year round to dress slutty. Like at your sisters confirmation or your Jewish cousin Herche'ls bris. But Halloween is really most fun for creative people so I have attached some pics saluting people with the imaginations to come up with those costumes that blow your mind when you see them walking down the street each year. I feel bad foor anyone who happens to run into that awesome Rafiki (below) costume or Reptile-man (right) while under the influence of halucenogenic drugs. Yikes! The last picture in this post may look out of place, but look closely at the little girls' Tshirt. My buddy sent this one to me. He works in Indonesia and informed me that this little girls parents don't speak or read a lick of English. They just found a black shirt and put it on their daughter and Voila, Baby Rapist Bumblebee! Happy Halloween fockers!

Iowa Sharpie Bandits: My New Halloween Costume

"CARROLL, Iowa — Police had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll apartment. Police were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker. Police said the caller described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment Friday night before driving off."
-Assoc. Press

Look at these redneck bastards. Odds are they were out driving pick up trucks and drinkin Natty Light when one of them decided this disguise would be sufficient to mask their identities from their victim and the authorities. I wonder what their putting in the corn in Iowa? The guy in the top picture looks like he was goin for the Paul Stanley(KISS) look. The most shocking thing about these two inbred fucks is that they didn't have the brain capacity to realize that it was one fucking week before Halloween. They could have drove to their local Walmart and picked up a mask or some facepaint for an affordable global-corporation price. This kind of stupidy is all too common in rural redneck America. Just look at our friend Kasey Kazee (bottom). This Ashland, Kentucky native tried to rob a liquor store using duct tape to disguise his face. The funny part of this story is that the store clerk managed to beat the shit out of this shiney mummy fuck before he could get away.

I think I found my new Halloween costume.Im gonna wax my whole body and go as a duct tape mummy. Awesome!

Talk Show w/ Spike Feresten: A Refreshing Latenight Alternative

Comedy for Stoners: Imaginary Bats Home Gym

SPIKE FERESTEN | MySpace Video

The following is a clip from Talk Show with Spike Feresten. This is a late night show I came across purely by chance. Honestly, I didn't even know it existed until I discovered it flipping through the fuzzy channels in a broke down motel in Oxford, OH. This show is on Fox, so you know its not afraid to push the envelope. I suggest everyone check it out. It is much more unconventional than your typical Letterman, Leno, Conan, or that douchebag Jimmy Fallon. I am setting my TiVo to record this shit on a daily basis. I promise you wont be dissappointed. Enjoy the clip stoners!

A Wonderful Tribute to "That's What She Said"

NBC's The Office has immortalized the wonderfully funny phrase "That's What She Said". And so without further ado, I give you every instance of this phrase from the show.

BJs, ZJs, HJs Deemed Unnacceptable StubHub Currency

According to MyFox Philly,

"A Philadelphia woman was arrested Tuesday after she allegedly posted an ad on Craigslist offering to perform sex acts in exchange for World Series tickets."

Apparently this lady reeeeeeaaaaalllly wanted a chance to watch the Phillies go for back to back world series titles this year against the Yankees. I have to say I respect this woman's determination and inventiveness. The internet is a wonderful place where you can get virtually anything you want for a price. Apparently that price was giving BJs, ZJs, and HJs for Susan Finkelstein, 43, of Philidelphia, PA. According to police, she advertised herself as a

"buxom, blond, die-hard Phillies fan who was desperately seeking World Series tickets and would have sex to get them."

Her post included such great marketing dialogue as...

""I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other"

Ha! She even had the nerve to describe herself as "gorgeous". Listen I could understand this behavior if the Cubs had made it to the world series and she was a diehard Cubs fan, but the Phillies were just there last year and won! And they have a solid team and a solid manager which suggests we havent seen the last of them either.

Apparently, Finkelstein was busted when a police officer responded to her post and she offered to perform various sex acts in exchange for the coveted tickets. I'm assuming that the police officer had the tickets and was ready to make the trade, until he saw what she looked like and decided those box seats were worth more than a raging case of herpes and a new girlfriend.

Steve Phillips Goes Hoggin (and loses his job in the process)

Steve  Phillips, long time ESPN Baseball Tonight analyst and former NY Mets GM, as you may have heard, has recentlly admitted to having an affair with his 22 year old production assistant, Brooke Hundley. Now just take a look at the picture at left. C'mon Stevie! you just blew a solid job at the worlds most respected sports news network for this Rosie O'Donnell/Chupacabra hybrid. ESPN announced Sunday that they would not be asking the silver fox back to the network. If you think that the fact that good old Stevie would go for a beast like this is the best part of the story, keep reading. According to NYDailynews.com,
"After the July affair ended, it was reported, Hundley repeatedly called Phillips' wife, Marni, and also left her a tawdry letter describing intimate locations of Phillips' birthmarks.

She also allegedly stalked his teenage son on Facebook, asking him about his parents' love life."

What a f-ing nutcase! Someone should tell Darth Vader and the Stormtrooper to make their wive's cell numbers unlisted. Next thing you know Brooke will be stalking Luke Skywalker (because he's Vader's son) on facebook. Now don't get me wrong, If there's one positive thing to come out of this, its that we now know that facebook is an acceptable arena for exposing dirty old men with fat chick fetishes. Tell your Dads to make their facebook pages private!

PRETTY LIGHTS: Bringin back memories

 This is Pretty Lights. This is a group consisting of a crazy talented mixer and DJ, Derek Vincent Smith and Drummer, Cory Eberhard. I just saw them live at the Park West in Chicago this past weekend. In addition to this hypnotic and truly unique sound, they put on an intense light/video/vizualization show that is a perfect compliment to the ground-shaking bass and smooth transitions. I actually know Cory from my days in Fort Collins, CO where he regulary Dj'ed for bar bingo night at the now retired Sullivan's Tavern. Sully's as we all called it was one of the best bars in town. It wasn't a flashy overpriced douchebag ridden bar that have become commonplace in college towns nationwide, but a homey and comfortable bar that I dubbed "My Cheers". Everybody who worked there really did know my name. When I went to see this show I couldn't help but remember all the ridiculous memories I made there with countless friends. So this is an ode to Sully's and to Pretty Lights. If you enjoy the movablility of hip hop and the creativity of electronica, then this shit is perfect for you. It is for me! 

The Shmoo Terrorizes Bar Patrons

The Shmoo Cartoon: Watch this!Have you ever heard of the Shmoo? I hadn't either until one fateful night. It was fall 2008 and I had been living in Colorado working as a bar-tender and spending, as you can imagine, an unruly amount of my time drinking and staying up very, very late. The word was one I had heard before, in many different contexts. Like "shmoo your face" or as a response to a question like...
-"Hey, are you going out tonight?"
-"Shmoo!"

To anyone else, I assume this seems retarded and extremely unfunny, but if you lived your life using this word uncannily and inventing variations of it like a number: Shmooillion. Or the noun version of shmoo: Shmoner. you would think twice when you finally discovered, like my friend and I did, that not only is Shmoo a word, but an actual character created by comic strip author Al Capp in 1948. The following is the Wikipedia entry describing this lovable character and the strange and utterly hilarious attributes it supposedly has...

A shmoo is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs. It has smooth skin, eyebrows and sparse whiskers - but no arms, nose or ears. Its feet are short and round but dexterous, as the shmoo's comic book adventures make clear. It has a rich gamut of facial expressions, and expresses love (often) by exuding hearts over its head.



Cartoonist Al Capp ascribed to the shmoo the following curious characteristics. His satirical intent should be evident:
They reproduce asexually and are very prolific. They require no sustenance other than air.
Naturally gentle, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children.
Shmoos are delicious to eat, and are eager to be eaten. If a human looks at one hungrily, it will happily immolate itself, either by jumping into a frying pan, after which they taste like chicken, or into a broiling pan, after which they taste like steak. When roasted they taste like pork, and when baked they taste like catfish. (Raw, they taste like oysters on the half-shell.)
They also produce eggs (neatly packaged), milk (bottled grade-A), and butter — no churning required. Their pelts make perfect bootleather or house timber, depending on how thick you slice it.
They have no bones, so there's absolutely no waste. Their eyes make the best suspender buttons, and their whiskers make perfect toothpicks. In short, they are simply the perfect ideal of a subsistence agricultural herd animal.
The frolicking of shmoon is so entertaining (such as their staged "shmoosical comedies") that people no longer feel the need to watch television or go to the movies.
Some of the more tasty varieties of shmoo are more difficult to catch. Usually shmoo hunters, now a sport in some parts of the country, utilize a paper bag, flashlight and stick to capture their shmoos. At night the light stuns them, then they can be whacked in the head with the stick and put in the bag for frying up later on.

...Now, please. After reading this, tell me this is not something that would have shocked you and flipped your worldview upside down! especially at 3:30am after a long night of drinking.